In October of 2003, Also-Ran approached an “artist” who goes by the stage-name of The Slim Man [stage-name changed to protect innocence, though, to be fair, this motherfucker is in no way innocent—ed.] and asked him to submit one of his rotten songs to our Songs of Freedom & Joy collection. The “artist” in question is a pretentious twat who fucked with one of our staff-members in 2001 (yes, we do carry a grudge!) and our plan was to turn whatever song he submitted into a hateful dance track, thus shaming the “artist” for all eternity. By the time this so-called “artist” actually got around to sending us his track (more than a full month later, might I add), we had already finished sequencing the final CD and could not use his precious tune, though we will treasure the CD-R he sent us for all time, much like a serial killer treasures a prized skull. In spite of the fact that our original plan of revenge was abandoned, we still managed to have some fun with the guy, as you will soon see. Read on, my fellow netizen, read on...
 
  Jennifer: Former Associate of Also-Ran
  The Slim Man: Lowly Amateur Rock Musician
  Joseph: Also-Ran Associate Posing as Jennifer

 
 

hello jennifer,
i would be happy to submit a song to your cd. can you send me more info bla bla bla

cheers...kennedy (the [slim] man )
 
 

Hello again Kennedy,
I am finishing my CD in the next two weeks and will soon be sending it to the factory to be pressed. I have saved about ten minutes in case you are still interested in submitting a song for the compilation.

It started out as a simple school project [As you can plainly see, we were saving our good lies for someone smarter—ed.] but has somehow expanded into a truly fabulous compilation if I do say so myself. Please email me back if you are indeed still interested.

Thanks and best regards,
Jennifer
 
 

hello again,
i would still like to submit a song. i have been having computer troubles and subsequently lost a ton of emails and addresses. could you send me your mailing address once again? i’m leaning towards using a song from the [title of CD-R deleted cos we don’t want The Slim Man
to get any free advertising on this here website] but i haven’t decided yet.

thanks...kennedy
 
 

Dear Kennedy,
Oh, that is completely understandable. I’m a mess with computers myself! Any song would be marvelous. I really appreciate all of your help!

My mailing address is: [deleted]

Thanks again,
Jennifer

 
 

hi jennifer,
i have decided to use track 11 from the 1st cd: [title of track deleted to protect innocence]. i have been trying to burn a copy of it but i keep getting little glitches in the burned copy. do you have a copy of the 1st cd? i only have the one copy left which i will send out to you if you don’t have it. if you do have it, can you just take the song from the cd? or do you need it in a different format?

sorry this is taking so long
kennedy
 
 

Hi Kennedy,
I actually don’t have a copy of your CD. I tried to find one after the show that I saw about a year ago, but I don’t think that the stores I went to had one.

I believe that I’ve heard this song before. Good choice.

Thanks again for your help!
Jennifer

 
 

Hi Kennedy,
I have received your CD in the mail. The song you chose is good, but I’m worried about the content—I don’t want to have a song [on the compilation] with the word faggot in the lyrics, as it may be offensive.

I will understand if you do not want to contribute, and I can send the disc back to you, but I think track one would work much better with the pace of the compilation.

I look forward to hearing back from you!
Jennifer

 
 

Hi Jennifer,
uhhh offensive to whom exactly? the yahoos? you surely can’t be worried that the gay population will be offended by that song? can you? i am referring to myself as a faggot and stand by it. i feel that you should have the courage to respect the artists’ decisions whom you are soliciting.

Kennedy
 
 

Kennedy:

uhhh offensive to whom exactly?

 Uhhh faggots, perhaps?

the yahoos?

Someone who finds the word “faggot” offensive is a yahoo? How would you feel if someone called a woman you love (your mother or a close friend, perhaps) “a cunt” I’m guessing you might take offense to that, you might even threaten that cunt-caller with physical violence. [This is a thinly-veiled reference, which Kennedy does not appear to have caught, to the fact that The Slim Man had subtlety threatened Joseph with physical violence when Joseph called his ex-girlfriend a cunt in The Slim Man’s gangly presence—ed.]

you surely can’t be worried that the gay population will be offended by that song? can you?

Sure—they were offended when Eminem used the very same word, and with good reason, I’d say. Do you really want to align yourself artistically with someone like Eminem?!

i am referring to myself as a faggot and stand by it.

Oh, that makes it okay? Well, I’m a nigger and a gook then! Whee!

i feel that you should have the courage to respect the artists’ decisions whom you are soliciting.

I feel that you should have the courage to not write from the perspective of a thirteen-year-old boy. C’mon—how can you possibly justify using the word “faggot”? Aren’t you like thirty years old?!

I’ll tell you what: We’ll go ahead and use the song, but we’ll bleep the offending word. How does that sound for a compromise?

Take care,
Jennifer
 
 

Jennifer,
In the song, I sing “some yahoos yell faggot and go squealing away”. This has happened to me several times and has happened to scores of others and will continue to happen. People are dumb, cruel and love to be part of the herd. How can you possibly compare my using the word faggot in this instance to Eminem’s use of the word as an epithet, an injury. I am simply relating an instance of small-minded cruelty. Have you played the song for any gay people to see if they are offended by it? If you are not mature enough to include the song without a fucking bleep, please do not use it and return the CD.

Thankyou, Kennedy
 
 

Kennedy:

In the song, I sing “some yahoos yell faggot and go squealing away.”

Okay, I take offense to your use of the word “yahoo” as my mother was a yahoo. She raised me up in the yahoo fashion and we may just be simple folk, but I think we deserve to be treated with as much respect as any other minority group. So I think we might need to bleep the word “yahoo” as well.

This has happened to me several times and has happened to scores of others and will continue to happen.

But maybe if you write more juvenile alt.country songs about this injustice it will go away!

People are dumb, cruel and love to be part of the herd.

You would know.

How can you possibly compare my using the word faggot in this instance to Eminem’s use of the word as an epithet, an injury. I am simply relating an instance of small-minded cruelty.

Okay, maybe you’re right. Comparing your work to that of Eminem’s was wrong of me, if only because Eminem has a basic understanding of irony and sarcasm, two things you are clearly not well-acquainted with. But I still think that “faggot” is a bit rough and feel that something must be done about its careless use in your otherwise brilliant song. Perhaps instead of bleeping the word “faggot” we could change it to something less caustic, maybe “butt-pirate” or “pillow-biter”...

Have you played the song for any gay people to see if they are offended by it?

I don’t know any gay people—having a bit of a germ-phobia, I try to steer clear of unsavory types like that. I dunno—your bassist is part fag, isn’t he? We should play it for him and see what he thinks! [The Slim Man’s bassist at the time was an admitted bisexual—ed.]

If you are not mature enough to include the song without a fucking bleep, please do not use it and return the CD.

[Please note: Kennedy is British through no fault of his own—ed.] Blimey! C’mon, guvner, be a kind bloke! Maybe we could meet up at a pub somewhere and hash this bloody thing out over a few pints of warm beer and a basket o’ fish & chips. Or perhaps we could settle down to a nice meal of crumpets and blood-pudding at tea-time and talk it out. Your call.

I’m guessing you’ve knocked up a lot of women in your time because you have balls of steel, my friend. You are not Axl Rose (who, by the way, also wrote a song that used the word “faggot” in it), world-famous superstar rocker, you are merely The Slim Man, a lowly amateur musician peddling his hogwash to a very small audience of half-baked hipsters and wannabe artists. If you were Axl Rose, then I might be able to see how you could respond to my objections with such arrogance. But, alas, you are not Axl Rose and thus you are in no position to act so cocksure. I am doing you a favor by asking you to be involved with my project—your contribution will not make or break the compilation, I assure you. You are in no position to dump on someone who is helping you out; and yet you do so anyway.

With regards to returning the CD-R (I noticed you mistakenly called it a “CD”), I think instead I will auction it off on eBay and donate the proceeds from its sale to the Anti-Defamation League in your name. Or I’ll just toss it in a waste-basket and set it on fire.

Cheers,
JL
   

Postscript: Joseph recently mailed The Slim Man a copy of the finished Songs of Freedom & Joy CD—we here at Also-Ran are fairly certain that you can find that auspicious disc in the used CD section of one of Chicago’s many dingy record stores or in the dumpster behind The Slim Man’s apartment building. On the night of Saturday, January 4th, 2004, Jennifer actually pressed flesh with The Slim Man at the Eleni Mandell show at Gunther Murphy’s in Chicago, IL—The Slim Man brushed Jennifer’s ample bosom while traveling to the bar for yet another “Champagne of Beers;” clearly our dear Kennedy was enjoying the “high life.” Jennifer later burned holes into the back of The Slim Man’s head as she stared at him throughout the duration of the show. It should be noted that The Slim Man attended the concert in the company of no one and went home at the end of the night alone, thus disproving Joseph’s long held theory that guys in rock bands can get laid more easily than us mere mortals. Jennifer did not introduce herself to The Slim Man, though she now wishes she had, and she also wishes she had attended either the Frogs show or the Todd Barry show that also took place on that fateful night. Oh, to possess a machine with which to travel through the constraints of time and space!!