My mother passed away in 1991. I was thirteen. Directly following her death, I went into my room and started blasting Use Your Illusion I. My father came into the room and I turned off the stereo. He asked if I was okay. I was. He was not. He’d been crying. It was the only time I ever saw him…
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The Also-Ran Comedy Hour Friday, December 2, 2011 10:30 P.M. The Improv Comedy Lab 8156 Melrose Ave (right next to the Hollywood Improv) Los Angeles, CA 90046 “It’s about damn time to live it up, I'm so sick of being so serious.”—Monica Seles, champion tennis player Monica Seles was born on December 2, 1973. The Also-Ran Comedy Hour will be…
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I’ve performed stand-up comedy over five hundred times in the past two years. Most of these sets were at open mics or my own shows; I am rarely booked for anything. Seven of these sets were paid gigs if you count gas money and the generosity/incompetency of a couple drunken bartenders. Most sets were rough but five were absolute agony.…
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A few years ago, I went to see a movie with a woman. She dropped me off at my house after the movie and I lingered in her car for a moment. I asked, “Are you sure you don’t wanna come in and see my sex dungeon?” She replied,” I have to go pick up my kid.” DENIED.
The Also-Ran Comedy Hour Variety Hour Friday, November 4, 2011 at 10:30 P.M. The Improv Comedy Lab 8162 Melrose Ave Los Angeles, CA Let us give thanks, for The Also-Ran Comedy Hour is back! Now with more music! And less comedy! This month we’ll let the YouTube clips do the talking… Music by: Bum Lord (Orange County) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQAz4MhVKuw The Vampires…
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There’s a trend in comedy right now involving young attractive white girls trying to shock audiences by saying snarky shit, joking about dark topics like rape and pretending to be sad all the time. Their delivery is monotone, they have zero charisma, their timing is shit and their material is uninspired. Ladies, I’m over it. Pop an anti-depressant and change…
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I knew you had a bottle of painkillers in your house and I also knew you left a key to your front door under a rock on the porch, so I let myself in while you were at work and helped myself to some of your drugs. I took photos of my crime with my cellular telephone and sent the…
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The Also-Ran Comedy Hour Halloween Spooktacular! Friday, October 7, 2011 at 10:30 P.M. The Improv Comedy Lab 8162 Melrose Ave Los Angeles, CA BAD evening, BOILS and GHOULS, it’s your old FIEND The Dungeon-Master inviting you to The Also-Ran TRAGEDY Hour Halloween Spooktacular! Our rogues’ gallery of comedic criminals has been known to KILL on stages all across this country!…
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Watch to see how stilted my acting is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekgy8ukrmYI See also here: http://www.tartarcontrolisyourfriend.com/
http://web.me.com/bighern/respectthedangerofknives/Podcast/Entries/2011/9/20_RTDOK_91-_Joseph_P._Larkin.html
Mariachi El Bronx Tuesday, August 2, 2011 Amoeba Music Hollywood, CA USA http://www.megaupload.com/?d=FT30WNDV Price of Admission: $0 Sony PCM-D50 (internal mics) > WAV > FLAC > Also-Ran.com > you > tu madre 00. Soundcheck 01. Soundcheck: Poverty’s King (partially played) 02. Intro 03. 48 Roses 04. Great Provider 05. Litigation 06. Matador 07. Cell Mates 08. Slave Labor 09. Revolution…
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The Also-Ran Comedy Hour: August 5th Edition Friday, August 5, 2011 at 10:30 P.M. The Improv Comedy Lab 8162 Melrose Ave Los Angeles, CA When I was back there in seminary school, there was a person there who put forth the proposition that you can petition the Lord with prayer. Petition the Lord with prayer? Petition the Lord with prayer...…
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I’d had a typically shitty set at a typically shitty open mic downtown and I craved human contact, thus I accepted her invitation to drink with her in the bar at the bottom of her apartment building even though I thought she was a horrible beast. To her credit, she bought me many high-priced drinks. To my credit, I became…
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Not long ago, I got chewed up and spat out by a woman. What else is new, right? The first time we fooled around, she got very drunk and bit me on the left tit. Hard. There was a vicious black ‘n’ purple bruise on my boob for a number of weeks after that encounter. The wound was so tender…
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the 8th of july the improv comedy lab no drink minimum some say god is dead not Justin Ian Daniels! he never believed... Ed Greer will appear, his laughter guns on his hips! take a stand, black man! Joseph P. Larkin he bombs more than al-qaeda who the fuck booked him?! look over yonder something wicked this way comes it…
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Got a paycheck from doing stand-up comedy for the very first time on Saturday night, over two years into the game. A friend of mine got booked to do a gig in Victorville, CA with another comic, who was supposed to drive him to said gig. When the other comic dropped out at the very last minute, my friend asked…
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I was a senior in high school and she was the first genuinely attractive girl I’d ever met who was also funny (she was also one of the last genuinely attractive girls I’ve met who was actually funny). Thanks to the alphabet, I sat behind her in class. We became friendly. One day she stared me down, seemingly gazing into…
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This month and this month only, The Also-Ran Comedy Hour will finally answer the eternal question that has haunted man since the invention of language: Whassup wit dat?! Runningntellingdat: Joseph Larkin Heather Thomson Erik Charles Nielson Shawn Pearlman Eddie Pepitone Brent Weinbach Pete Holmes Kumail Nanjiani some cunt Hosted by: Dave Schilling & Paul Isakson http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=102069829886382 BUY ADVANCED TICKETS HERE: http://www.laughstub.com/improv/buy.cfm?id=82451&choose=1
My therapist suggested we make a pie chart of my feelings yesterday. Here’s what I came up with: 75% hate and rage, 25% sadness and 1% happiness with a 1% margin of error. I’m adorable! (And miserable.)
The last time I remember truly being happy was July of 2009. I was living alone in Montréal. My apartment was totally shitty and I didn’t have a friend in the world but I was contented. I didn’t have a TV and possessed limited access to the Internet. I had a car but I rarely drove it; I preferred walking…
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Last week, I ate drug-mushrooms and drove to Pasadena (not recommended, by the way). I was aimlessly stalking the mean streets of Pasadena when I came upon a half-eaten corndog on the sidewalk. Obviously, encountering a corndog on the sidewalk isn’t that remarkable (this is America, after all!) but I was high as a kite in Chicago, so I stopped…
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I’ve been doing stand-up comedy (poorly) for over two years now. The first time I got booked on a real show was in June of 2010, fourteen months into my “career,” for lack of a better word; I got booked on the show because I booked the show myself. The show in question was in New Orleans and it was…
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The Also-Ran Comedy Hour Friday, May 13, 2011 at 10:30 P.M. Hollywood Improv Comedy Lab 8156 Melrose Ave Los Angeles, CA Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming, in which all that are in the graves shall hear His voice. Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others…
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Last night I made money from doing stand-up for the very first time ever. I was at an open mic at a bar where I had to buy a drink in order to perform. The drink was six dollars. I got my drink and put down a twenty. I received a twenty and three singles back. I left a dollar…
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Hollywood, in a nutshell, is a Play-Doh Fun Factory, albeit missing the fun component. All the clumps of Play-Doh arrive at the Fun Factory as unique objects of varying densities and shapes. A small group of children smashes the Play-Doh into the machine and the Play-Doh comes out the other side in the same shape each time: a star. [This…
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Hey, guys, you ever try to diagnose your ex-girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder by reading about the subject online and then you realize, “Hey, wait a second, I’m the one with Borderline Personality Disorder!” And then you realize, “Hey, wait a second, that’s exactly what that crazy bitch wants me to think!!!” And then you go back to cutting yourself…
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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I am Joseph Patrick Larkin from Slidell, LA. I have been doing stand-up comedy for roughly two years now…but it feels more like a lifetime, one fraught with constant rejection, endless degradation, heaping helpings of failure and very little sex. I started doing stand-up comedy out of spite; first, spite for my ex-girlfriend, who had…
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The Also-Ran Comedy Hour Featuring Dave Foley Friday, April 22, 2011 at 10:30 P.M. Hollywood Improv Comedy Lab 8156 Melrose Ave Los Angeles, CA D/D-free comedy show seeks intellectually curious audience. (L.A.) Date: 2011-04-22, 10:30 P.M. Must love irony, literary references, nods to existentialism, Dave Foley, Kids in the Hall, NewsRadio, Celebrity Poker Showdown, Sean Green, Ellyn Daniels, Dave Schilling,…
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Joseph P. Larkin: The Lighter Side of Joseph Larkin FLAC: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=NUYYQOO6 MP3 (sounds shittier): http://www.megaupload.com/?d=20LMQ76Z Alternate Titles: Livin’ the Dream Full Disclosure To Whom It May Concern So What Else Is New with Me? 2 Cruel 4 School Here’s the Thing Portrait of an Asshole History’s Greatest Monster Damning Testimony Fryin’ ‘n’ Cryin’ Schadenfreude Born Again in Blasphemy The Gospel…
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Please to enjoy the very first Also-Ran Variety Hour podcast as a FLAC. Please to enjoy the very first Also-Ran Variety Hour podcast as an MP3. Played during the eighty-three minute program: Wesley Willis: “They Threw Me out of Church” Justin Kline: “Can You See the Rape on My Face?” (February 28, 2011 @ Ground Zero, USC, Los Angeles, CA)…
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No one knows this (except all the people I tell) but I am obsessed with a certain camwhore website. I look at it several times a day and get my kicks from reading the asinine chats the camwhores have with their clients as they try to entice the Johns into going private with them. Recently, I encountered this exchange: heythere:…
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I’m kind of a pussyhound, by which I mean to say I only fuck dogs. Speaking of screwing the pooch, I was recently (in June of last year) banned from the open mic at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club, which is humbling, to be sure. The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club is located deep in the heart of Universal City, which…
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I’m no addiction specialist or doctor, but I’m pretty sure Matthew McConaughey’s son was born addicted to marijuana. Here’s something you will never hear a pothead say: “Hey, guys, check it out, I just discovered the cure for leukemia.” You wanna know why you won’t hear that? Cos the cure for leukemia isn’t printed on the side of a log…
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It’s shocking to me that I’ve done stand-up comedy over one hundred and fifty times now and have somehow avoided being punched in the face. Granted, I’ve been threatened with physical violence on several occasions, most notably at Big Fish in Glendale, CA earlier this month, where a gentleman followed me into the men’s room after I finished my set…
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Joseph ruined the most recent episode of Respect the Danger of Knives with his presence. Sorry, guys. :(
Apparently, the world-famous glorified college radio station WFMU attempted to play some of my “comedy” CD on the air...the fools! Check it out, shit-for-brains! (Go to the 40:32 mark.) http://wfmu.org/flashplayer.php?version=2&show=39080&archive=66771 (Thank you, Darren, for bringing this to my attention!) (Parentheses!) They didn’t even get to the first joke before they had to bail due to language concerns. This feels like…
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She had the day off from work, so she and I decided to get day-drunk with her gal-pal at a nearby park. We walked down to an especially sketchy liquor store on Magazine and bought some booze. I chose Mad Dog 20/20 because it was cheap and colorful, which made me think it would probably taste like candy (it did…
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Tonight (last night if you wanna get technical) I witnessed It’s Casual perform live for the eighth and arguably best time. The band opened with a Kiss cover (“Parasite”) and closed with a Nirvana cover (“Breed”). Somehow a glass got itself smashed on the carpet in front of the stage along the way. At the end of the set, Eddie…
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This past Sunday afternoon I watched Mike Watt play “No Fun” and “History Lesson - Part II” with a group of teenagers in West L.A. (Watt had a huge grin on his face throughout the playing of “No Fun,” ironically). Then he spoke to the kids for forty-five minutes. One of the most inspiring things I have ever seen (wish…
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I’ve been making ‘n’ hanging fliers pimping this website and The Arcade of Cruelty for a couple years now. I would hang them around hipster dive bars when I lived in New Orleans and I do the same thing now that I live in Los Angeles (click link to take a gander at some of the Xeroxed propaganda I’ve produced).…
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On Sunday morning, I took a walk around downtown L.A., where I shared a moment with a homeless guy whose friend was loudly ranting. The homeless guy shot me a yellow shit-eating grin as if to say, “This guy is out of his fucking mind!” I smiled back and kept walking.
I’m an ugly piece of shit, therefore I don’t date much. Cry you a river, right? Fuck you. Anyway, if I did date, I’d do some of the following things when I went a courting. Explore the abandoned zoo in Griffith Park. Smuggle in hooch for extra fun. Drive down to Mexico to buy drugs/visit a bordello/have picture taken with…
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Like most folks, I’m a work in progress, by which I mean to say my soul is in tatters and I’m teetering dangerously close to the edge at all times. In other words, I could use some self-improvement. So I made out a list of New Year’s resolutions. Here it is now! 1. Be a better person. Stop being so…
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Does anyone else feel sympathy for Saddam Hussein? C’mon, it must’ve been humbling for the poor guy to climb into that spider hole for the first time and realize the party was over. He got away with murder for years…literally! And then he didn’t. Let’s face it, it’s human nature to do what he did. If you could get away…
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When I was in the eighth grade, I was accepted into a prestigious art program—there were just four kids in this special program (two boys and two girls) and we were bussed to another school across town once a week to do things like make pinhole cameras. I had to pass a test and go through a series of interviews…
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To be clear, I’m not gay despite what you may have read on the m4m section of Craigslist. And though I may not be gay (cough), I do find certain aspects of the gay male lifestyle rather appealing: the glory hole, for instance. Glory holes are glorious, as the name would imply. The glory hole is something that separates us…
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In 1999, a friend, my only friend at the time, made me a tape with Karate’s The Bed Is in the Ocean on side A and Karate’s In Place of Real Insight on side B. I listened to the cassette every day while I sat outside in the backyard in a lawn chair, endlessly daydreaming. I wore that tape out.…
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http://web.me.com/bighern/respectthedangerofknives/Podcast/Entries/2010/9/25_RTDOK_47_Joseph_P_Larkin.html
Szilveszter Matuska was a Hungarian mass murderer/mechanical engineer who derailed passenger trains in Hungary, Germany and Austria in 1930 and 1931. (Twice successful, twice unsuccessful.) Our boy achieved orgasm by crashing trains. In other words, trainwrecks got him off. I was thinking about Szilveszter Matuska the other day and I realized, “Hey! I’m that guy! I’m Szilveszter Matuska!” I only get off on trainwrecks, you see.
I used to perform at an open mic in downtown Los Angeles where each comic had to write his or her own introduction. I slaved over mine. And the hosts always fucked ‘em up. Eventually, I started writing purposely shitty intros to see if the host would actually read them into the microphone. Here are some of those introductions NOW!!!…
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When I was suffering through my first break-up nine years ago, my father told me “it would be easier if the other person had died instead of breaking your heart.” Lucky for him, the love of his life did die. And then he died a number of years later. And I’ll die as well. Everybody wins!
“The only music I like that no one else listens to is the Elephant 6 Collective.” A beat. “Did you see the Apples in Stereo on The Colbert Report?” Later, I passive-aggressively mentioned that I’d gotten a Neutral Milk Hotel CD from the public library.
When I was in junior high school, I had a crush on a girl named Elizabeth Bailey. She lived in my neighborhood and I endlessly daydreamed about her. She wore ribbons in her hair. When I was thirteen, my mother died of cancer. I was called out of class the day my mother died to be with her. When it…
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One day she stopped by my house just to kiss me on her lunch break. Weeks later, I would learn we’d broken up when I looked at her Facebook profile and discovered she was “in a relationship” with another guy. D’oh.
The only thing she ever told me that I actually believed was “I lie all the time.”
It was the first time we’d slept in a bed together (it was also the second-to-last time we would sleep in a bed together)—absolutely stupid with drink, I was unable to walk home, so she offered up her bed to me like a champ. She killed the lights and we fell onto the mattress together. She had her back to…
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I’m obsessed with unnecessary quote marks on signs—I savor the sight of them. My favorite example of this phenomenon is the sign perched atop 5 Minute Oil Change in Slidell, LA that boasts the following: “You Stay in the Car.” Just like that. In quote marks, as if it’s a famous quotation, like “four score and seven years ago” or…
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She blew off one of our dates at the very last minute, as she was wont to do. Still, we got to talking on the phone that night and she informed me that she was sick of guys using Portishead’s Dummy as mood music when they were putting the moves on her—she said she’d fuck the first guy who played…
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Drove down to Mexico recently to buy drugs (on a related note, I am now selling drugs if you want to buy some)—it was quite an adventure! I might not be the first person to say this, but Tijuana is kinda sketchy. For starters, I saw a donkey painted to look like a zebra. Mind you, I didn’t see this…
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The cartoonist Seth has said that love is a mixture of lust and pity. If this is true, then, yes, I did in fact love her.
This is the story of how I (possibly) ruined Corey Feldman’s day a few months ago. It all started in West Hollywood (where else?). A friend and I were driving to the beach and considered stopping off at Millions of Milkshakes to take advantage of a buy-one-get-one-free coupon we had in our possession. We nixed the idea of visiting Millions…
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The University Village 3 movie theater is one of the shittiest places on Earth. You’d think a movie theater on a college campus would attract students and other intellectually curious individuals, but you would be wrong—the patrons of this picture house are all scum. I swore I’d never go back to that infernal cinema after taking in a matinée showing…
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Found a Polaroid of my ex-girlfriend while I was packing in preparation for a recent move. The picture was taken the week I met her and I must say it’s rather unflattering—she looks like she has Down syndrome. Well, she must’ve been retarded to have left me like that! LOL!!! I’m so lonely.
Someone recently found this site by Googling “stinky cunts” and another person was brought here via a search for “her little girl panties.” Someone else arrived at this destination after searching for “she made me cum in her mouth.” And then there’s this troubling set of keywords: “is it wrong for a male either single or widowed a christian by…
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After a year and a half of futzing around and countless hours of tedious work that I paid someone else to do, the elegantly revamped Also-Ran.com is finally up and running. Please take a few minutes out of your hectic schedule to explore this luxurious website…you’ll be glad you did! And be sure to buy yourself a book and some…
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There’s nothing more tragic than exploring someone else’s home—it is truly harrowing to walk amongst the ruins of another person’s shattered life, to spend some quality time with another consumer’s detritus. You find yourself snooping around, thumbing through magazines on the coffee table, judging the person by his or her bookshelf* (if the person actually has one in this day…
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Most people live their entire lives online these days, thus they tend to leave gigantic digital footprints all over the Internet. This being the case, I have been able to monitor the activities of numerous past sexual conquests without actually having to talk to any of them. With the aid of Google and a knack for figuring out effective keywords…
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I found some recent photos of her online today. The photos are artless, the kind of pictures a tourist might take. The photos are tragic, really. She looks miserable in the pictures, she looks put-upon. Did she always look like that? Did she ever look happy when she was with me? I don’t recall. I don’t care to recall. Anyway,…
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I was walking across a bridge in Toulouse, which all of you geography buffs out there will already know is in France (yes, that France! The one in Europe!). I peered over the railing and noted the long drop from where I was walking to the churning waters below. I briefly considered chucking my glasses into the drink, not sure…
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Bonjour! J’mappelle Joseph! That’s pretty much all the French I know. You’d think I would’ve bothered to learn some key phrases before moving here, like “show me the toilet” and “she was dead when I got here.” You’d have thought that, but you would’ve thought wrong. We were hanging out in my apartment (chilling, if you will). She was sitting…
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You know what the funniest thing about Europe is? It’s the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got there, they got here, but here they’re a little different. Example? Alright, when you go into a movie theater in Amsterdam, you can buy beer. And I don’t mean in a paper cup either. They give you a glass of…
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Contrary to popular belief, French people are not rude…they’re thoughtless, inconsiderate and selfish. They’re cunts, basically—these people only think of themselves. For instance, if you’re trying to get on a train, these pushy fucks will knock you down to get on the train before you…or they’ll just shove you into the person in front of you to keep things moving…
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I’ve been dreaming about my father’s death for days now. The most comforting reverie was the one in which he and I sat in a balcony and watched his funeral together. He pointed at his much-too-tiny coffin and it occurred to me that his gesture suggested he was ready to climb into death and be done with the whole thing.…
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I live within walking distance of Père Lachaise Cemetery (French: Cimetière du Père-Lachaise), which is a popular tourist destination (you might say people are dying to get in there!!! LOLZ!!!*), so I occasionally wander amongst the graves when I don’t have anything else on my agenda (in my defense, that place is really shady, like my ex-girlfriend). Do you think…
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Currently sitting in an idling train in a railway station somewhere in Germany. I am pretty sure I just saw another passenger jerking off (sadly, it was a dude); not that I should judge him, as I jerked off myself (or, rather, I jerked myself off) mere hours ago right here in this car. (Granted, I was much more subtle…
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I’m writing this entry in my hotel room in Prague. I have been here for a couple of days now and I yearn to make my exit. I do not like it here anymore. I don’t know how I lived here before. Maybe I only liked Prague last year because I hadn’t seen any other cities in Europe yet, maybe…
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Saw a really cute gal three times today at the grocery store near my hotel here in Berlin. I caught her peering at me while I was looking at soft drinks; she turned away shyly when I caught her gaze. Much later, she made it a point to wait by the door and say goodbye to me (in German, of…
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You are a coward living a coward’s life. And you will die a coward’s death. You squander your youth at a shitty nine-to-five pouring coffee, punching numbers into a cash register, uploading gay pornography onto the Internet or tending bar. You go to school and get a degree in philosophy or studio art or creative writing or something equally useless…
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Sometimes I’ll see someone drinking wine at ten in the morning and I’ll think, “Isn’t it a little early for that sort of thing?” Then I’ll remember that I live in France. Something similar happens whenever I observe someone eating a loaf of bread whilst walking down the street, which happens often, I assure you. I’ve created a game to…
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The clerk handed my credit card back to me at the supermarché and I thanked her in broken French. She replied, “You’re welcome.” Befuddled, I blathered, “Oh, you can tell I’m American…it’s that obvious…” (To be fair, I was buying a bottle of Coca-Cola…) The clerk had inadvertently embarrassed me. I’m ashamed of being an American, for obvious reasons. It’s…
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Wanna know how sad my life is? It’s after three in the morning and I’m actually sitting here correcting typos and fixing various creative blunders on my fucking blog (you know, this fucking blog)! (I can’t believe I said “perpetrated” when I meant “propagated”! I’m a fucking monster.) Best of all, I am doing this in gay Paree*—shouldn’t I be…
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At the airport. Again. (Confounded weather!) There’s nothing like flight travel to make you feel like a million bucks! Let’s face it, most Americans are grossly overweight and hideously ugly to boot, thus rubbing elbows with so many of these beasts in one place is good for an ego boost. Egads, there isn’t a single person in this airport that…
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I will be a Parisian in a matter of days. I’m restless, itchin’ to get moving, ready to roll—I’m cursed with ennui, as the French would say. I pray to God the frogs are more civilized than the Americans I’m accustomed to doing business with (I also hope their women are beautiful, loose and relatively STD-free). I can’t wait to…
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Overheard the most mundane conversation the other night whilst wandering around the French Quarter by myself...and here it is now! Some off duty waiter was telling a group of friends about patrons at his place of employment leaving their tables to order drinks after unfolding their napkins, resulting in the waiter having to dump their unused napkins into the dirty…
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George Carlin is dead. Not dead? Louis C.K. Also not dead: the last three women who broke my heart. THERE IS NO GOD.
I don’t wanna sound insensitive, but I’m about to say something really insensitive: I’m over the Holocaust. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it was a horrible tragedy and all that, but couldn’t we focus our energies on some more recent tragedies, like the Rwanda genocide or all those mass killings in Cambodia? Or maybe we could mix it…
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Growing up in the rural Dirty South, I always had plenty of room to roam. Our immodest family manor stood on a large wooded property. Those dozen acres of unmolested nature were my stomping grounds during my blissful childhood and troubled adolescence—I would aimlessly wander the picturesque landscape in search of truth and beauty, two things I had no trouble…
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I was sitting in a friend’s car. I saw a hideous face in the driver’s side door mirror. I said, “Look, there’s some ugly guy standing behind the car.” My friend looked back and saw nothing. It was at that moment that I realized I was looking at my own reflection in the mirror.
I was looking through my list of contacts in my not-so-trusty cell phone last night and it hit me that most of the numbers stored in that infernal device belong to people (mostly women) that I never want to speak to again. I guess I continue to save their numbers in order to better screen my incoming calls—God forbid I…
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I saw a little black girl shriek in terror at the sight of a swan while walking around the park yesterday. I thought to myself, “Clever little girl—she’s already learned to fear white creatures.” But what did I see at the park today?! I saw a turtle. It was neat. Incidentally, why is this website so fucking popular in the Netherlands? If you know, please get in touch. Thank you.
I must’ve shot my mouth off about date-rape at some point, I dunno. Anyway, I was walking out the door to buy condoms for that night’s heated coupling and she solemnly announced from her primo spot on the couch, “By the way, I was date-raped once.” Taken aback, I didn’t know how to respond; I may have said “duly noted,”…
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Possibly racist observation: I saw a little black girl at the park yesterday toting a bottle of watermelon-flavored Gatorade. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, people… She was also eating a cup of fried chicken-flavored pudding. Okay, I made that last part up. I later saw a creepy old white woman stomp a bunch of caterpillars to death with her white tennis shoe. Ain’t that America.
I had a dream this morning that troubled me deeply for reasons I don’t quite understand. I was sitting in the back of a car with two other people, one in the driver’s seat and one in the front passenger seat. Pearl Jam’s “Daughter” came on the radio. I started singing along in the backseat. I was nervous that I…
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When we kissed for the first time, your slimy* tongue slithered into my mouth and I thought to myself, “I have made a colossal mistake.” *Speaking of colossal mistakes, I have corrected the typo that used to be here. Yay! Life is worth living again!!!
This following bit, which has been on my hard drive for almost three years now, is both funny and timely! Enjoy? Remember Punk’d, the MTV prank show hosted by Ashton Kutcher? Well, I’ve come up with a similar idea called Spunk’d (yes, I know there’s a gay porno of the same name). Basically, Spunk’d is the pornographic version of Punk’d—you…
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Not-so-fun fact: There are more illegal immigrants in the U.S. today than there were yesterday. Chilling, huh?
It occurred to me yesterday that seducing a woman is kinda like playing chess. And I don’t know how to play chess. In fact, the game baffles me. And, yes, sometimes it even terrifies me. I recently watched a documentary about the Abu Ghraib scandal (remember that?) and I was especially amused by a scene in the film in which…
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Bill Hicks met his maker fourteen years ago today. Emo Philips, on the other hand, is not dead; in fact, he is very much alive. Clearly, Slayer was right: God hates us all.
Pleasant Memory Number One: I was alone in my crummy flat in Prague. I couldn’t sleep. I had worked myself into a frenzy of some sort over some bullshit involving some girl. It must’ve been four or five in the morning and the sun would be coming up in no time, meaning I probably wouldn’t sleep at all that night.…
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Kids were runnin’ wild tonight, throwin’ glass bottles into the street and screamin’ their stupid heads off. Most weren’t even in costumes! Fuckin’ savages. I don’t remember being that stupid when I was their age... They’ll never know the subtle pleasures of watching a Criterion DVD or reading…anything…at all… Like I said: fuckin’ savages. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go review Fuck for Dollars...for dollars.